It's Official...

I hate Mondays. I hardly ever have good Mondays.

I put in my request for my Christmas PTO this morning at work. My supervisor emailed me back and said that it was tentative. This afternoon he emailed me back and said that my request had been downgraded from "tentative" to "unlikely to be approved". That means I will be spending Christmas in Minneapolis. It's the first time in my entire life that I haven't spent Christmas with my family. I'm not particularly religious, but I do think of Christmas as family time and I love the warm, safe feeling that I get when I go to bed (in "my" bed with my heavy down comforter and my parents just across the way) and the smell of pine in the air. It's also my brother's birthday.

My parents are discussing what to do. My dad sounds like he wants to come up to Minneapolis for Christmas and my mom wants my brother and I to come down either the weekend before or the weekend after. It just won't be the same. Christmas Eve is the one time I actually enjoy going to church-mostly because of the candlelight. I know that I can go to a service up here, there are plenty of beautiful churches and I've never seen a midnight Christmas mass, so this would be a good time to go to one. But my parents won't be there. There won't be the drive along the lake to see all the beautiful old mansions decorated for the holiday. There won't be the opening of one present and cookies after church. Or dinner with my grandmother's beautiful china. Or my brother's annual chocolate chip cheesecake birthday cake and my annual complaint of "Can't you pick anything else?".

I know I'm welcome at Evan's family's Christmas, but it just won't be the same.

In the grand scheme of things, me not being able to actually be with my family on Christmas isn't a big deal. At least I have family and other people to share it with. There are people who don't even have that. I'm just amazed at how much this is bothering me. I've been fighting back tears all day. Yesterday I was all excited for the holiday season. I never get excited for Christmas this early. Now I don't even want to think about it and I just feel kind numb.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.