This week I received The Little Foxes' contribution to the Quote This! II ring. All of the stamps had something to do with confronting fear and it seemed quite appropriate that I got that this week.
As I've mentioned before, I've started Aikido again after taking a break for fifteen years. I remember how I loved to do forward rolls and being thrown and falling when I was little. I would get this thrill at just effortlessly tucking my body and springing back up in a perfect hamni (stance).
Fast forward fifteen years. Front rolls are the bane of my existence. I hate seeing the floor come up and I dread practicing moves that involve me having to do a front roll. That changed a little this week. Summer is always a bad time for me with headaches and just generally not feeling good, so I haven't been able to go to the dojo as often as I'd like (there's a reason why I live in the northern part of the US!). Now that the weather is getting cooler, I've been going more often and have been able to concentrate more.
This week I felt a little twinge of the thrill I used to feel when doing front rolls. It actually felt good to feel my feet flying over my head and knowing that I am in perfect control. And on Thursday we practiced a move that I have never enjoyed because it basically has the defender turning the attacker's arm in to a staff and launching the attacker into a front roll. I have never been able to do the front roll without hitting my head or hurting my shoulder. But I actually managed to do a decent roll and stand up in hamni. Granted, I still hit my head or roll on my shoulder, but I'm not so afraid of it now.
I'm still amazed that in my (very) long break from Aikido, I became afraid of falling. I went from this fearless ten year old who would try any move, even if it looked really difficult, to a twenty-five year old who cringes when she sees the floor rushing up.
Fear is a funny thing.
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